Yes I have made level 100 in another game not a suprise though I played NES when I was a kid thats saying enough right there :P So now I have a level 100 Sora in Kingdom Hearts I should've done this awhile ago its sooooo easy just beat Sephiroth around a bit till your there.  Well thats enough for today leave some comments fellow gamers leave a list of games your at level 100 at and i'll be intrigued good night everyone.

Well before I gave you the funny qoute some backround information we had just come back from buying me notecards and the price for it was 3 dollars and I gave my mom a 5 dollar bill My mom - "Do you have any change like dimes or nickels?" Me - "no" Mom - "*grunts* then heres a dollar back" Me- "your not that cheap are you?" Mom - "yes"

At last im done with that part of the reasearch report all there is to do now is work on other projects oh joy! *sarcasm* Anyways I hope I did good because i'd be pissed if all the time I spent doing it went to waste.  Well leave some comments for me.

Hooray! I took a 3 hour nap today, I think its because I got to bed at mid night and wake up a 645 every morning.  Well anyways it was nice to get some sleep.

I've gone back to playing Final Fantasy 10 for the time being mainly because Caitlin kept talking about it so I decided to go back to it and for the most part I only play blitzball.  Well thats pretty much it for today leave some comments.  (sorry theres nothing thats been thought provoking lately mainly just stupid entries.)

I got Tales Of Symphonia today a game i've been wanting to get since August. 

I changed my font color and border coler as you can see, mainly to match my header picture.  Tell me what ya think.

Me and jordan got into a confrontation today... if you want the details ask me in person.

After seeing the modified do their meet im having doubts about my ability to swim, sure im good at swimming one of the best on the team but still.  Its freaking crazy! They did like a 400 in a competition I had no idea they did crazy stuff like that and varsity is going to be even harder.  I've only done one meet so im feeling a bit unprepared at the moment.

On another note im leaving for buffalo on wenesday night so don't be suprised if I don't update my blog because I won't be here and I will be there till saturday morning.  Well leave some bloody comments!

I have several new years resolutions, first off I want to get stronger so im going to work out and ask for some free weights for my brithday.  Second im going to try to be more talkative, you guys all say im quiet and stuff which is obviously true so i'll try and work on that.  And im also going to try not to be so mysterious as Josh and some other people say I sometimes act like that.  These are my goals but this would be a big change if it actually happened, im not sure I want to be loud or anything so you can forget me changing into a loud mouth but im sure you wouldn't want that anyways.  So those are my resolutions, and great party last night Caitlin.

Hooray! done with midterms, its odd the ones I thought i would do good on I did bad on the ones I though I did bad on I did good on.  Ones I think I did good on Spanish, Math, Global the others I just kinda bombed.  Anyways im still sick and because I haven't updated in such a long time I thought I should.  Im going to the doctors in a hour though so cya.

Somebody just respond to it once thats all i care about.    

Who likes Trigun?  Rather who knows what it is??

I don't know what to say so i decided to say RAWR!

Well im going on vacation starting tomorrow and it ends sunday!  Thats not much of a vacation not even two full days but its better then nothing i suppose then its off to summer school, oh joy!  Not really im not going to have much fun there.  Well thats it for now adios amigos.

Im gonna be gone for a week starting on saturday so if you try to call/email/ or talk to me on instant messenger i won't be here.  My family is going on vacation and since im in summer school i can't go so im going to be at a friends house for like over a week then im coming back on monday i believe.  So thats where im gonna be.

Well nothing has been going on lately here.  Although there is one new thing but its only temporary.  Im currently manager of the girls varsity swim team.  Although i don't get paid but im the third manager its like a volunteer job.  Im quitting once swim club starts up again.  I did it because its good job experience gives me a idea of what i could be doing later on as my real job being a swim coach.  So wish me luck i guess.  Its a pain waking up early but i've been doing it all summer why stop?  Well thats it for now see ya.

That hurricane is really annoying first messing with Florida and stuff and now coming up to New York as a tropical storm and giving us a crap load of rain.  Well what i way to end August with 2-4 inches of rain.  Anyways yesterday Steve, Kyle and me were hanging out they had to visit somebody soo it involved a lot of walking and then a trip to the station.  Well thats it for now adios.

Well tomorrow I have to take a risk, I will tell you how it goes.  Actually my profile would give you the answer I suppose.

                                                       UPDATE

Well I took it glad I did but I still don't have a answer, and the risk was asking someone to homecoming.  Hopefully by tomorrow I will have all the details but till then its still unknown.

Well since I have been swimming competitively for a year I just thought I would enlighten everyone how much change can happen in a year.  At first the reason I did varsity swimming was because my mom forced me to, at that time I hated the idea of competing against other people but I soon realized that’s not what its about.  After seeing how much my times improved and how far I had come I realized I was actually competing with myself and the things I have done in the past, I often used to glance over in other lanes to see how my competition was doing and at first it was always they were beating me.  After many hard practices I started to see an improvement in my skill and then I started setting goals for myself to beat my old times and I got into the habit of concentrating on what I was doing and not my competition, it’s hard at first because you think you can't get any better well guess what?  You can get as good as you let yourself become don't worry if you don't see an improvement right away that’s natural like everything it takes time.  So basically what I have learned over the year I have been swimming is that it doesn't matter if your beaten as long as you yourself improve everything is going fine, and one day after you are tired from your competition you will realize that you won.

I have some terrible terrible news... im on NP...  Just kidding!  I kicked this marking period's ass.  Check it out:

English-86

US History-80

Science-94

PE-95

Illustration-89

Teen Talk-80 (I didn't do anything...)

Sociology-79

Athletic Facility Design-100

Practical Math Application-83

Overall Marking Period Average-86.846

Do you know what this means?  Merit Role here I come!

I need to find a header that is orange and black and quick!  My old one was a Advent Children one but they made sure no one could use that image for some dumb reason.  So i need a halloween related header soon so if anyone has a link for one i would be most happy.

                                                        UPDATE:

Well thanks to Jade I have a new header!  Hooray!  She even customized it for me so thanks a bunch Jade.  I think I will at least keep it up for a month until December then its time for a christmas theme.

Well today if you live where I do you would know that today is the first day it has snowed this winter.  Which excites me and then again makes me a little nervous (I tend to be sick all winter even though I love it).  Well besides that I think I have actually met my new years resolution!   HOORAY!!!  First time I have ever done one and it seems to have been successful.  If you don't remember what it was check back to January 1st my entry there explains it.  Why I think this is my swim coach said this to me today "Wow you have become so outspoken, you only said like two things to me last year..."  Well this is completely off the topic of my life and on to something that has caught my eye.

People sometimes think their problems are the worst in history, they are so bad about it to they believe no one has it worse then them, well believe me I have seen people go through some very bad times and my problems wouldn't even compare to theirs.  Now I am by no means saying I have never done this I think we all have one time or another, I just think people are so concerned with themselves they lose sight of what others are going through.  Basically what im getting at is that make sure you are there for someone when they need it and perhaps they will be there for you when you need it.  If we all stick together things wouldn't be as bad and people might not be so damn lonely all the time.  Well just some thoughts.

Taken from thefallenangel  and supersugar 

CANCER Great Kisser. Very high sex appeal. Great in bed. Most horny.

PISCES Caring. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high sex appeal. Has the last word. Extremely wired but in a good way.

LIBRA Very gentle. Nice. Love is one of a kind. Silly and fun! Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! GREAT in Bed.

CAPRICORN Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. EVERY PERFORMANCE!!!!

AQUARIUS Trustworthy. Sexy. Rare to find. Loves being in long relationships. Extremly energetic. Amazing in bed, the BEST lovers.

ARIES Outgoing. Spontanious. No one to fuck with. Have own unique sexiness. Unpredictable. Erotic. Funny. Addictive. Take you on trips to the moon in bed.

TAURUS Aggressive. freak in bed. rare to find. loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremly outgoing. Outstanding kisser. sexual as fuck.

LEO Great talker. Sexy. Always Horny. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at fucking. Great kisser.

VIRGO Dominant in relationships.Sexy.Horny.Freak in bed. Always wants the last word.Loud.Caring.Smart.

SCORPIO EXTREMELY sexy. Talkative. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic.Freak in bed.GREAT kisser. not one to mess with. always get what they want.

SAGITTARIUS Spontanious. Horny.High sex appeal. Rare to find. Good when found. Likes to take control and please his or her partner.

GEMINI Nice. Love is one of a kind. VERY SEXY. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a Fighter But Still Punch Your Lights Out .Trustworthy.

Repost and tell us what your sign is.

Well I tried putting a image on my blog but since I nothing about computers it didn't work im pissed...

Well actually it was, I got 4 best times out of all my events and made some of my long standing goals.  My 500 freestyle I was swimming blind and still managed to beat my old time and get a ribbon and stuff.  My 100 freestyle was perhaps the best thing eva, I finally cracked the 1 minute barrier which is the biggest goal I have ever set in swimming so I am really happy.  In the end we broke a school record the 400 freestyle relay in Gananda was a time of 4:01 now its 3:53.  My 500 time ended up being a 6:01 it would have been cool to break the 6 minute barrier but I am leaving that for sectionals.  Best thing was our coach was so pleased we didn't have practice this morning.  Well hope everyone is doing good.

This is what I got throughout the year-

Subject	MP1	MP2	MP3	MP4	MP5	MP6	Midterm	Final	Regents	Aver
English	86	78	82	87	85	75	75		86	82
US History	80	80	75	75	84	83	83		95	83
Science	94	86	94	83	93	71	79			86
PE	95	94	90	94	93	95				94
Ilustration	89	84	85	86	60	90				82
Teen Talk	80	96	95	95	90	90				91
Sociology	79	74	66	62	66	81				71
Athletic Facility & Design	100	95	73	89	89	88				89
Practical Math App	83	80	88	72	87	78	84			82

I feel like an old man, yes I have said this to select people before.  The reason I feel like an old man is because im ALWAYS grumpy and half the time I don't know why im so pissed off.  I guess its just my nature to never be happy with anything, even when things are going good for me im so negative, and I honestly don't know why.  Its not something that I know how to control, I wish I could be all happy but its just like impossible.  Some people share my problem I know that for a fact, I have heard numerous complaints about my attitude from just about everyone I know.  Some call me emo which I have grown to accept the fact that im not the bright ray of sunshine I wish to be, some just call my the term I used before grumpy.  Anyways enough with my rant, I want to know how I can possibly reformat my brain to be less negative and more positive, although im not sure this is even a possiblity.  Anyways if anyone can offer suggestions for me I would appreciate it greatly.  Adios.

Words cannot begin to describe the deep love I have for my friends, but heres my shot at it:

The Oldies:

Caitlin:  Where do I start?  Out of all of us you have the most amazing courage, you say what everyone else wants to but are to afraid to say it.  You are a true friend, and you are sensitive to everyone's feelings.  You are our leader, and you care for each of us in your own way.  You stand strong even though things hit as hard to you as it does to us.

Steve:  Although your gone from our group most of the time because you live so far away I still feel your presence every day.  You are a calm and collected individual and you see logic in very illogically situations.  You are another example of what it means to be strong.  And you are always welcome back no matter under what circumstances.

James:  The most crazy hyper active guy I have ever met in my entire life.  You are a very innocent person, and despite my will to make you less hyper you remain the same and thats a good thing.  You have a good heart and you always mean well. 

Joshua:  The most sensitive guy I know and you still make everyone laugh.  You always try to brighten a depressing situation and you do so well.  Although there is still a very deep secretive side to you that im not sure I will ever understand.  You keep me laughing and I thank you for it.

Mike:  We have been friends since kindergarden, I have known you the longest out of all my friends.  We have endured countless arguements with each other no matter how stupid they were I always respected your opinion.  We may not see each other as much as we used to but I can always count on your friendship.  Despite all the years we have remained friends and we always will.

The Newbies:

Toddles:  The first outsider that cared I was sad, and made it his mission to make me happy.  My blood brother (literally he bite me in the eyebrow when he ran into me while we were playing hide and seek in the dark).  You always cheer me up or piss me off whichever you think I need.  You are someone I share my most inner thoughts to, and you actually keep my secrets.  What would I do without you?

Terra:  Even though our history I still feel a deep connection to you.  You are a very very talented person and you will accomplish all the goals you set out for yourself.  You are another leader and a strong person with a creative personality, you don't take no for an answer. 

Nick:  Another comical guy, you keep us all laughing with your insane humor.  You have a deep knowledge of something I love and thats games.  You surpass me easily with my attempts at humor and game knowledge.  And thanks to you I keep up with all the old gaming knowledge.

The Other Josh:  You are both serious and funny at the same time something that I find very hard to do.  You also know a lot about gaming and you keep me up to date with whatever Nick decides not to mention.  Although I don't know a great deal about you, you are still a good friend.

Jocelyn:  The most confusing person I have ever met in my entire life.  You are another innocent and have a love for all things that are living.  Although I don't understand your logic very well you are a very kind and caring person with a physical strength that bests mine, the only girl that can beat me in swimming.  Although you hate us freestylers, there will be a day when you are one. 

There are many more of you that I have failed to mention here but don't worry I will soon.  Although I cannot bring all your strengths into light I picked the ones im most fond of and the ones I have noticed more.  I would gladly give my life for all of you, you all are more then worthy of any sacrifice made for you.  Please never lose contact with me.

I just realized how emotion filled my latest entries have been, im normally not like this...  So I want to apologize that my entries have been full of anger and stupid emotions like that.  Anyways, school has been OK so far nothing terribly exciting has happened except for a kid punching another kid in the nose.  Other then that school is going back to its dull boring self.  The only thing I wish I could change this year is the freshmen, I wish they were not even in the school building.  Oh and as for Prom im not sure if im gonna go to my senior prom. I mean I wanted my prom to be special, something I could spend with someone I love.  But im not dating anyone and I don't see myself dating in the near future, or any future for that matter.  After two break ups I have had my fill of highschool relationships.  So...  unless I find someone that I can love in the next half year or so im not going. 

Post Script:  I also have looked back at my relationships entry and I have to say it is awesome advice, I should have taken it when I was in one for christ sake.  So check it out.

Its just mere speculation, but I believe I am now able to answer one of the more daunting questions of humanity.  Everyone always wants something, that’s just human nature and totally screws the whole idea of Buddhism over (reaching enlightenment and what not).  So obviously people have got to have some sort of common grounds on what they want.  This is what I think I’m able to answer, the question of "what are the common grounds in human desire?"  I have come to the conclusion that in fact people just want to live their lives and not have people question the way they live.  Most people unless you’re a blood thirsty homicidal maniac, just want some sort of peace, just a happy healthy life.  And other people tend to question the way they live and then that initial questioning escalates until it ends in some sort of verbal battle or physical confrontation.  To be honest it’s my desire to live and not have anyone give me shit about how I live or question my decisions.  To give an example of people just wanting to live their lives and not have others question them I will bring up homosexuals, they just want to live how they like and not have people poke fun at them or mess up their lives.  And yet people do it all the time, they constantly show their disapproval of the way another group of people lives.  Its not that people want to antagonize them, they just think it’s weird the way another group lives.  So basically people just want a sort of harmony, a peace that will last them the rest of their lives.  Unfortunately, that will never happen.  Leave some comments if you agree or disagree.

Well this past year has been one giant learning experience for me.  Lets take a look back and see what happened to me:

First kiss

Randomly breaking out in hives (son of a bitch that sucked)

Making it in sectionals in pratically everything

Second dating experience

Third dating experience 

New Years Party...

Learning to drive

Learning to let go

Learning that love can suck ass when the person doesn't love you back

Unfortunately hurting and or breaking someones heart (i really hate hurting people)

Learning that being social can be a GIANT advantage to you

Learning that I have a man crush for Johnny Depp =P (Yes I know make whatever judgements you want but it doesn't matter to me)

Realizing that everyone has different perceptions and you can't change them

And last but not least realizing that if I didn't have friends to support me i'd probably die in like two seconds

Anyways 06 has taught me many things and hopefully I have learned its lessons fully.  Oh and damn im 18 tomorrow isn't that a shocker?  I don't feel like almost legally being an adult.  Lets see how adult like I am tomorrow, hehe. 

Finally to be at peace with oneself.  I believe destiny has finally shined through for me this time in all aspects.  I never thought such a feeling of serenity would bestowed upon me again but apparently I was wrong.  To not waste anymore time with my words I will simply tell you that this girl is truly amazing =). 

1. List twenty things you wish you could say to people but can't. You can list the same people repeatidly.

2. Don't say who they are.

3. Never discuss it again.
----------------------------- 
  -You changed my life completely, my views, my attitude, the way I perceive life.  You are amazing in that respect alone.  You push me to my limits of sanity and patience but in a good way.  You are my blood brother, and I can think of no one who can say they have seen every side of me and still liked me.  I will always enjoy your friendship.

-You have been with me since close to the beginning.  You are what first sparked my interest in art and anime.  You are the group leader and you have incredible courage, more then anyone I have ever known.  I have to thank you for helping me through some very rough times in my life and I hope I did the same for you.  Just remember you can always talk to me about anything. 

-You have taught me many valuable lessons that I will never forget, I met you only last year and already you have had a teremendous impact on my life.  Im glad we share the same faith because your one of my only friends that does.  Thanks for helping me in art and being there for me when I needed it.

-Sincere and innocent thats what you are, and one of the few people I know that have remained that way.  You are crazy and it used to bug the hell outta me, but you are a good friend. 

-One of my oldest friends and you have remained that way for awhile.  In truth I wish we hung out more but alas time has broken a bit of our bound and im sorry for that. 

-Your deep and secrective I hate the secretive side of you immensely.  But your still a good friend of mine, and I hope you always will be.

-Little sis, well that kinda gave it away right there.  I promise to protect you from any jerks out there.

-Hmm, to be honest I am glad the way things turned out.  I hope you are able to find someone for yourself that will treat you like you should be treated, and that is with respect.  Keep away from jackasses though, you have a tendency to like them.

Im suffering from a minor case right now.  I keep thinking of all the mistakes I have made in the past and im trying to figure out why all my other relationships have ended.  I seriously thought I would have a chance to make it to at least a half a year anniversary, we had made plans for my prom and everything.  Alas fate has other plans for me and im still trying to think why the hell is my life so bizarre.  Not many people get dumped in every relationship they have ever been in.  Sometimes I think about not dating again but I know I could never follow through with such a commitment given that I have been trying to hook up with girls since elementary school.  Well whatever becomes of me I know I will be alright, I figure if I can deal with what I just went through and still make it through smiling then I must be something out of the ordinary to have such patience. 

In other completely unrelated issues, I have to get Todd and I swimming again.  Its easy for me to start swimming again its another thing entirely to get Todd swimming again.  Also I have been neglecting school work which isn't good, I need to pick up with that again with a full effort if I ever plan on having a good GPA.  Other then that its been a typical morning, with just a bit of insomnia added in.

This week promises to be annoying, I have a bunch of assignments due and I have an awards assembly which I need to get up in front of a bunch of people and talk.  I felt kinda weird all day im not sure why, I guess im just not having a great day.  I have a ortho appointment tomorrow morning which is not going to be fun.  Other then that life is pretty boring and normal.  I want winter to be over, im tired of the cold and could do with some warmer weather.  Heres a poem I wrote last year:

We have been to hell and back and our situation has not changed, our search has been in vain its only brought us more pain.  The fields of graves may have made us a little more brave, but in the end we can not fend off the suffering inside our souls.

I can't remember why I wrote it I think I was remembering the day my dad died, which the anniversary is coming up soon actually Saint Patricks Day.  Well sorry to end on a depressing note but I have to go do homework.

LEO: The Lion in bed

Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at @#$%. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Loyal.Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Great when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.


VIRGO: The Virgin

Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget. Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

SCORPIO: The lover

Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.


LIBRA: The sex addict

Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? not the kind of person you wanna #### with... u might end up crying... the most irresistible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

ARIES: The Liar

Outgoing. Lovable. Spontanious. Not one to #### with. Erotic. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships.=) Addictive. Loud. best in bed. 16 years of bad luck if you do not repost.


AQUARIUS: Does it in the water

Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. Amazing in bed, THE BEST LOVERS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost.


GEMINI: Does Twosomes

Nice. Love is one of a kind. GEMINI: Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the #### out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTABLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.


CANCER: The Cutie

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high #S#E#X appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great tellin stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.


PISCES: The Piece of ass

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high #S#E#X appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

CAPRICORN The passionate Lover

Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports.
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

TAURUS The Tramp


Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as ........ Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as ......... Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to fuck with. Are the most sexiest people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not repost.



SAGITTARIUS. The Sexy one
Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna mess with or you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck

Yeah im cool. XD

On this day six years ago my father passed away, I never really wrote a blog entry truly explaining everything that happened to him. Many years prior to my dad's death he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a cancer that will eventually kill anyone who is unlucky enough to have it. When I was a kid I knew my dad had cancer, I had no idea that he would die from it eventually. So for many years my dad battled with cancer, somehow he always managed to keep a smile on his face and be happy for our family. Up until I was in sixth grade you might not even had known my dad had cancer by looking at him. Well, during sixth grade his condition took a terrible turn for the worst, for many months he was in the hospital receiving treatment. We would visit him as much as we could, but it was never really enough I think. My dad suffered from mouth sores, and blood clots, and a bunch of other things I’m not even aware of. A part of me feels guilty for not being with him more, but I’m sure he probably didn't want me to see him in the state he was in. After visiting my dad so much in the hospital it finally hit my little naive sixth grade mind that my dad was not going to live for very much longer. He came home the day before he died, he wanted to die at home and not at some smelly hospital. He had wanted to come home for awhile but he was never stable enough for the doctors to take him anywhere else. I bet my dad tried his best to be in good enough condition to finally come home, and he succeeded. It never occurred to me how much pain people go through on a daily basis, and still manage to be happy somehow. That night I said a prayer for my dad and wished him goodnight, I knew that might be the last time I ever saw him alive and it was. At around 1 in the morning my mom woke me up and told me my dad had died, she then proceeded to ask if I wanted to see him. I said "no". It haunts me to this day I said that, but luckily for me my mom insisted that I did. On a side note the reason it haunts me that I said that is because if I hadn't seen the body it might have been much harder for me to get over his death, although I’m still not really over it, you never get over something like that. I went down stairs along with my brother into our living room; I stared at my dad's lifeless body and held his hand. My sister came home shortly after; she had been away somewhere I forget where. She was crying and instantly hugged my brother and me. After we had said our good-byes to my father, we went upstairs because a funeral home was taking the body away to be cremated. My sister, brother, and I just sat around my room in silence thinking of what had transpired. There is not many moments when I can think of nothing to say about something that has happened, normally I put my two cents in about every topic. The only thing I managed to say while I was up in my room was "what now?" Neither my sister nor my brother could think of something to say back to my comment right away, but they managed. After awhile my mom called us back down stairs, we ate breakfast at around 3 in the morning and my sister and brother went back to bed. I stayed up with my mom; I didn't feel like sleeping everything seemed like it was a dream anyway. I think I did eventually go to sleep for a little while, and I woke up and the house had a weird air about it. I can't describe the sensation accurately because it’s been a long time since I felt it, but it was probably the oddest feeling I have ever had. It’s like sleeping because you feel no real movement or feeling in your body, but your still awake. The days after had this feeling in them, everything seemed so fake and so trivial compared to that day. Sometimes I get the feeling again but not as potent. I learned a lesson I never will forget that day, I learned about death and the importance of life. I learned what my dad really meant to me, I learned how much I depended on him for comfort and guidance. I learned that growing up without a father is considered unusual in the time period we are in now, and that people take their parents for granted. Most of all I learned how much this experience sets me apart from most people, and makes normal everyday conversations a little awkward for me everytime someone accidentally mentions the father that I don't have. But despite all of these lessons I learned how to love people in a way that most people can't, I realized how important everyone around me is to me. So regardless of how much people may feel sorry for me, I don't feel sorry for myself at all, because I have learned things they might never learn. So on this day I gave thanks to God for giving me a father no matter how long he was with me, I thank him for everyone that he has given to me since, and everyone he will let me meet later on in life.

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I was just playing DDR on my computer, and that song is a bitch!  Im like oh let me try something new!  And then im like holy shit... what the hell?!  Its only a 8-step song and it pwned me?!  I have done 10-step songs before!!  Well, I have only managed to be able to do one 10-step song but still...  I will not rest until I have mastered you Synth and Strings!  You will feel my god-like dancing wrath!! Muahahahaha! 

                                               UPDATE:

I did the song!!! I beat the bloody bastard!  Hehehe.

I had a dream in a dream last night, if you have ever had one you know how bizarre they are.  First off I will say that my dreams feel very real to me, I can even feel pain in my dreams.  My dream was my tooth was coming out and I was bleeding from it so I went to a bathroom and started spitting out the blood (which I could even taste the blood in my mouth).  Some random people locked me in there and I was trapped so I got angry and threw a chair at the door, im not sure why there was a chair in the bathroom...  Anyways something was out to get me as well, so I thought I should get out of my dream before I died.  So I thought to myself to think of something in my room, I instantly thought of my fan I could even hear the sound of it.  So then I "woke up" and couldn't move.  Whatever was after me decided to possess me, it took control of my movements and that is when I woke up for real.  I was really freaked out about that dream for like an hour afterwards.  I have a dream every night, which is unusual.  This entry is scatter brained and badly written and im sorry for that, but I can't really describe a dream.  Dreams are bizarre just normally.  Well leave some comments if you can follow it.

I just woke up from a 4 hour nap, I started napping as soon as I got home from school.  Im still tired as hell to, I don't feel rejuvinated at all.  I don't think people really believed me when I said I was sick and tired today, most of them just started to bug me.  I need warmer weather and swimming to start up again otherwise im going to be dead and unhappy.  Unfortunately for my coach shes going in for surgery, Im really worried for her because im not sure what surgery it is.  All I can do is pray for her I guess.  For those of you who don't know me and my coach are really close, so close in fact I call her my mother and she calls me her 6th child.  So just hope that I get better soon and that my coach makes it out safely.

So hell was last night, and it lived up to its name for the most part.  It started off with Todd ringing my door bell a million times while I was blasting the song bicycle by queen.  I was about ready to start getting into my tux when this happened so I came to the door a little confused because Todd was there.  Apparently I was needed in order to take pictures or something, it still took me forever to get into the tux and I was roasting.  So we walk over to Lindsay's house and her parents my mom and my sister and todd's sister and lindsay's friends are all taking pictures.  If you know me you know im camera shy so you know I was just waiting for it to be over.  After that we head over to Joanne's house were even more pictures were taken, and im starting to get worried about getting sunburned.  It took forever for the limo to get there, and once it did we took *gasps* more pictures!  So we get into this huge ass limo and we start going, converstation was light and consisted of a few sentences. 

Bleh I don't even feel like writing anymore, I pretty much force wrote all that.

I got sick last night, we went to a wedding yesterday and I had to be next to my brother for the whole day and he was sick, so I got sick.  I hate weddings, they are all the same they are soo fucking boring.  So thats why I wasn't at school today, that and a lot of other reasons.

Since I took a three hour nap today while I was supposed to be working my ass off in the pool im a little awake instead of tired, so with this bit of insomnia I thought I might as well write whats been going on with me this past month and some of the things that I have been made aware of.  First thing I have learned about myself, im fickle, not just a little but a lot.  Everytime I know a girl would be interested in dating me I date them, after a get bored with that my subconcious thinks of a way to get me out of it.  It makes sense afterall, my relationships end before im in them for too long, and my lovely subconcious knows my constant desire to always be the good guy.  Which brings me to my latest relationship, where my subconcious is not playing that role and im taking a more active role in my own desires.  Im a guy lets face it, I like the physical aspect of relationships a lot more then I let on, in my current relationship there is no physical aspect, and theres no intellectual aspect either, basically im almost not in a relationship.  Well now that thats off my chest lets move on to other issues.

Also this past month I have realized how close I am to leaving all my new friends behind in school.  Now this wouldn't be a problem if I didn't love a lot of the people im leaving behind, such as Todd, Sammy, Ben, Christa and a bunch of other people.  I always say im so happy to get out of here, but in actuallity im scared to death to.  Lets face it at least half of the year im suffering from depression, I may not be diagonized with it but it doesn't take a genius to figure it out.  Im NEVER happy, the closest I come to being happy is when im around my friends who are happy.  I basically get my happiness vicariously through them, it may sound weird but its the truth. 

Another issue thats come to light to me, im extremely self concious.  Im not overplaying it either im seriously probably the most self concious person in the freaking school district.  And unfortunately theres not much I can do about it so... moving on.

Anyways those are just some of the things that have been up with me lately, they may not be that important but they are none the less affecting me.  Leave some comments for me.

If anyone wants to hang out today is the day, my mom and sister are going to be gone till wednesday.  Im not going to have a party neccessarily, but if you want to hang out just call me or leave me a reply on here.  Please I will be bored as hell if I don't do anything today =P.

UPDATE:  Well I guess no one else is free today =(.

Ello everyone!  I just wanted to know if anyone wanted to do something this weekend, anything from hanging out to going to movies I don't care as long as im not stuck here.  So if anyone wants to do anything just tell me.

Today was suprising a little, I thought I would bawl my eyes out but I didn't shed a single tear, reason being I don't think im gonna lose any friends really.  Im going to be around here im going to walk to swimming everyday like I always do, so why are people so freaked out there not gonna see me ever again?  Just because I go to college doesn't mean im going to fall of the face of the earth.  If my friends need me I will be there for them, so if any of my friends happen to read this and think im going to disappear and that you won't see me again your wrong.  I would just about kill for anyone of my close friends, so if you think your going to lose touch don't fret over it because you won't.  I love you all more then you could ever believe, so don't think for a second im going to let you lose touch.  Now that I have that off my chest, on to my physically exhausting part of the day.  A 400 meter IM thats something that I was worried about since the start of this week and it turns out it was pretty easy for me.  I still have a lot of events I have to do this weekend a grand total of 8, not including the one I did today.  Looking down the pool though I have to say is very intimidating, it looks endless sort of.  Anyways Sam you said you would talk to me later so if you read this either leave your cell phone # or just reply. 

Update: Im going to bed im beat, looks like im gonna be reading a lot this weekend.

I recently read something that surprised me, a certain ex of mine who felt guilty over what happened between us, and her own dilemmas with her friends.  I instantly felt the need to make her feel better, and I have decided to have a very serious discussion with her the next time I see her.  My mind hasn't wandered to her in awhile until recently, she was by far the most fun relationship I have ever had.  I feel that all sixteen year old girls are in a state that they don't know what they want, so the very fact she broke up with me no longer bothers me.  I want to say soo much to her right now, no one should feel guilty about anything that they do if its from the heart.  I hope I can hang out with her soon, I want to know if shes doing alright for real, or if shes just painted on a smile like so many others do to hide their troubles.  In any case I realized my need to get rid of the pain people are feeling, it just makes me sad to see my friends in a state like that.  So the next time I see her I plan on cheering her up, she shouldn't feel guilty about anything.

Im trying to get instant messenger back but my computer is being a bitch, I have the thing downloaded but my buddylist and all that shit is gone.  My internet connection is pretty shitty I think thats the problem, not sure how to fix that exactly I don't think I can even use AIM.  Oh well at least I tried to get it back.

Tomorrow morning im going to Todd's cottage till thursday, if you wanna hang out Sammy you could hang out with me tonight.

UPDATE:  Just in case anything happens to me while im gone, I love all of you very much. =)

Help:

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

You always make me feel like I can talk to you about anything, I appreciate you more then I ever thought possibly, in short I love you for helping me and letting me help you.

Lean On Me:

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The List Of Things I Hate About Myself:

+I hate it how I can't keep a relationship for more then 2 months

+I hate how I look

+I hate it how I act younger then I am, I seriously have nothing that makes me seem like im my age

+I hate myself for not having a job

+I hate how I let people walk all over me

+I hate how I can't get over people even though I say I can

+I hate pretending to be a nice person when all I think about is how much I hate myself for not getting what I want

+I hate how I let people talk and I just sit idly by thinking how much I want to say but never seem to be able to

+I hate being so goddamn sensitive all the time

+I hate the fact that people say they love me and I don't believe them, afterall who could love someone who doesn't even love himself?

+I hate myself for not being able to show my feelings without scaring people away in the process

+I hate myself for being single

+I hate the fact that im soo self concious that sometimes when I think I look really bad I will just stay home all day

+ I hate myself for caring to much about what other people think

Im still depressed and I don't see that changing for sometime, so here are some qoutes:

[Mal and Zoë are being surrounded by angry drunks who supported Unification, Jayne is sitting in the corner.] Mal: Jayne? Jayne: I didn't fight in no war. Best of luck to ya though.

 [The angry bar crowd backs Mal, Zoë, and Jayne up to a cliff edge.] Mal: This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers. Zoe: Thanks for the re-enactment, sir.

Zoë: Funny, sir, how you always seem to find yourself in an Alliance-friendly bar come U-Day, lookin' for a quiet drink. Mal: See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety. Breaks the heart.

 [Mal interrupts Inara as she's brushing Kaylee's hair.] Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle? Mal: That it was manly and impulsive? Inara: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was "don't". Mal: Well, you're holding my mechanic in thrall, and, Kaylee… what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose? Kaylee: I had to rewire the grav thrust because somebody won't replace that crappy compression coil.

 [After the interrupted (but successful) train heist, Mal and Zoë await questioning.] Mal: Whatever happens, remember I love you. Zoë: Sir? Mal: Because you're my wife. Zoë: Right! Sir. Honey.

[Jayne is demanding that Wash take off for the delivery without Mal and Zoë.] Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til you understand who's in ruttin' command here. ... Jayne: You can't change that… by gettin' all… bendy. Wash: All what? [Jayne's expression softens; his breathing becomes labored.] Jayne: [You] got the… the light… from the console… keep you… lift you up. They shine like… [He looks up and starts snatching invisible things from the air.] Jayne: [silly grin.] … little… angels… [He falls over hard, unconscious.] Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep? Simon: I told him to sit down.

[After returning the medicine, Zoë brings a bound Niska henchman before Mal outside the ship.] Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him, tell him the job didn't work out. [Henchman Crow spits.] Mal: We're not thieves. [pauses.] Well, we are thieves. Point is, we're not takin' what's his. Now, we'll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You explain that that's best for everyone, okay? [Crow defiantly stands with his arms bound behind him.] Crow: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade. [There is a short pause.] Mal: Darn. [Mal kicks Crow toward the engine; Crow is sucked into the intake. Cut to Zoë bringing a second bound henchman before Mal.] Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance… Henchman: [quickly.] Oh, I get it. I'm good. Best thing for everyone. I'm right there with you.  

I might still be able to hang out tonight if your interested Sam, not sure what happened last night but it doesn't really matter.  That is as long as everything is all right and all.  And Caitlin I don't think I can go tonight, my mom barely lets me go anywhere late, and I don't think she will ever let me out as late as that thing goes to tonight.